Who I am
by reaper with no name
Summary: Vincent's thoughts on his identity and how it has been affected by all the events that have transpired, particularly the events involving a certain raven-haired woman...


Who am I?

This is the question I have been asking myself from the beginning. I thought that if I could fit in at Romdeau, the answer would be self-evident: "I am a citizen."

But that was meaningless. Not only did I fail to fit in, but such an answer would not have been satisfying even if I had succeeded. What was a "citizen", anyway? A person who was allowed to live in Romdeau. A mindless sheep who did not question the established order, who did not rock the boat. A machine just as fixed and immutable as the Auto-Reivs that served us. A person who did not let themselves have feelings.

But when I stood at the threshold between Romdeau and the outside world at that time, I realized that such a person was not a person at all. It was incomplete, a hollow mockery of the qualities that made humans unique among the scattered ruins of this devastated world.

So the question remained. Who was I? Or rather, who am I now?

The commune didn't offer me the answer. Or, at least, that's what I believed at the time. The closest thing I received to an answer in that god-forsaken place was Hoody's lies about me being a sort of revolutionary soldier. In hindsight, he was closer to the truth than he could have ever guessed. I was a revolutionary. I left Romdeau, under my own power. I gave up a paradise, because I alone realized that it was false. And when I did that, I became an enemy of the dome.

This was, of course, ironic, for it turned out that it was I who created the dome in the first place. Fate can be a very cruel thing, with a sense of humor to match.

But as much of a revolutionary as I was back then, I was still no soldier. Soldiers fought for a cause. They protected something or someone other than themselves. No, it would be a long time before I could consider myself a soldier of anything. Back then, I was just a man trying to stay alive.

And then she came. Re-L. The woman who will always haunt my dreams. From the moment I first laid eyes on her, I could sense that somehow, her destiny was intertwined with mine. Perhaps it was Fate, trying to make up for the cruel acts it had and would commit against me. Perhaps it was the feeling in the back of my mind that somehow, she was capable of seeing through the façade of the dome, and knew deep within in her being that there was more out there. Or perhaps it was simply the way she looked and talked to me. It was as if she didn't have to keep her guard up with me. To this day she has never let it down completely, and I'm not sure she ever will. But her defenses were never as effective against me as they were against others.

Whatever the reason, I fell for her immediately. And when she came to the commune, the floor of my affection's depth gave out beneath me. That she would risk her safety, as both a citizen of Romdeau and as a living thing, just to bring me back, was unthinkable. And yet she had done it.

When her suit was compromised and she was forced to brave the harsh outdoors, I blamed myself. It may not have been my fault, but I deserved to feel horrible just the same, if only for having felt so much joy at seeing her again in spite of the risks she had taken and the results they led to. I never wanted to leave her side. I wanted to bring her with me, to wherever I might go. But alas, it could not be. Fate was once again cruel. I had to send her back to Romdeau with Hoody. He insisted on being the one to take her back. We never openly mentioned what would happen to him, but it was clear that we both knew. Even if I spent the rest of my life thanking him for what he did, it would still never be enough.

Hoody once told me that Fate could be a fickle thing. I remembered that because it surprised me. I had always thought of Fate was being a deliberate, unchanging thing. But once again, this world found a way to prove me wrong when Re-L came back to me. Part of me wondered if this was a sign of some sort. The more rational part of me dismissed it. Yet the former would not rest until I had acted on my affections in some form. So I told her.

The next event that occurred was one of the best in my life. She kissed me. It was a fake one, meant to distract me from the gun she was trying to reach, but I didn't care. Even a fake kiss from her was better than all the hollow pleasures the world had to offer. And to this day I cannot help but wonder if there was not some truth to even that lie. Every day when I awake, I ask myself why she didn't first try asking me to get off of her. And every day, I have no answer.

Of course, it didn't help that she had that gun. It was loaded with an FP bullet, the only thing that could kill a Proxy. And this one had my name on it. The bullet itself meant little to me; even when I was not transformed, I was easily fast enough that I could not only dodge the bullet, but remove the gun from her possession before she would even have a chance to pull the trigger. However, the fact that she felt the need to have it at all was more painful to me than the bullet could ever be. I could never hurt her. She knew it. That much had been made clear. So why did she feel like she needed the ability to kill me? Was it an insurance policy to make sure I did as I was told? No, this was my journey. We both knew it. She was accompanying me because her curiosity demanded that she learn the truth. And Pino…Well, I'm not really sure why Pino came with us. Probably because it seemed like fun, and she didn't have anywhere else to go.

Time passed, and the mysteries deepened. For every little thing I learned about myself and my existence as a Proxy, two more questions were unearthed. Re-L was becoming frustrated at the lack of progress. I was becoming more enamored with her by the day. I would never tell her, but the journey itself was becoming as important to me as the end goal. And it was all because of her.

This was why, when we were stranded without wind, I was in no hurry to get moving. We knew the next dome was close by. If it came down to it, I could transform and carry the two of them there within a day. Re-L never seemed to realize this, and I'm glad. She really might have shot me if she had. Not with the FP bullet, of course. By that time I was quite certain that her threats regarding it were empty. But she was by no means above the use of physical force to achieve her aims. It makes one wonder how she could have ever survived in that dome without being thrown out. I suppose being the Regent's granddaughter has its privileges.

Mosk, of course, turned out to be a bust. There was nothing there. Nothing except a cryptic clue that pointed back to Romdeau. Of course. The journey ends right where it started. Fate's cruel sense of humor was once again at work. But as we made our way back, I couldn't help but wonder what she had meant when she told me that she had seen that writing once before in Romdeau. That message of "awakening". Somehow, I knew the word had great significance, but I couldn't decipher what it was.

That is, until we reached Romdeau. That was when the memories came flooding back. And the first one to return to me was the memory of that night. That fateful night when our destinies became irrevocably crossed.

That was the night when I walked by Re-L's home. Iggy had always been one to discuss Re-L's personal life a bit too openly. One day he had let slip within earshot of me that Re-L liked to take nightly walks at a certain time of night. So, there I was, planning on "accidentally" bumping into her during my own nightly walk and striking up a conversation. And then…Well, I had no plan after that. In truth, I didn't even expect to get that far. I expected her to tell me to buzz off and start walking in the opposite direction.

But when I walked past her house that night, at precisely the time that she was to exit, she did not. Of course, I didn't stick around. As infatuated as I was, I was no stalker.

That was when the feeling came. It was like a shrill voice in my head, screaming at the top of it's lungs for release. It was a voice that spoke of danger. Something was coming. And I had to be ready in case it was hostile.

I still don't really remember the transformation, but the next thing I did remember was the feeling of security. I felt safe, safer than I ever had before. I felt confident, as well. For the first time, I did not feel as if Re-L Mayer was too good for me.

That was when I felt the presence in Re-L's home. Something was in there; something dangerous.

I didn't waste any time thinking. I acted. But by the time I had found Re-L, the presence was gone. Only a shocked, half-naked woman, and a message on the mirror. "Awakening". But even that garnered only a passing glance. My eyes were fixed upon the terrified woman before me. She was so beautiful, and yet she was so horrified by me. I don't know what drove me to touch her. But that same drive brought me to tears.

And then Monad came. I didn't recognize her, of course. I saw only an enemy, something that had come to take Re-L away. That, I could not allow.

Things became hazy from there, but it doesn't take a genius to put the pieces together. I chased, she escaped, I returned to normal, she came back. I'm not quite sure why she toyed with me the way she did when she chased me. Proxies can dodge bullets. I shouldn't have been able to outrun her. Was it because of some lingering affection on her part? Or was it because Vincent was not the one she wanted to kill? Ergo was the side of me that had betrayed her. Was that the side she was interested in killing?

With my memories returned, I could now see Romdeau in its entirety. I had known it to be a false paradise, but I had never realized just how far it had fallen; how strict and machine-like it had become. I had never intended it to be like this. I never should have left Donov in charge. He hated it all as much as I did. But it was the only way he knew to keep order. More than anything, he wanted to be freed from his duty. Freed from all of this. I granted his wish. I still can't believe Re-L doesn't hate me for it.

And then he shot me. That man, the head of the Security bureau, shot me with an FP bullet. God, did it hurt. I'd never felt such pain, at least not physically. As I suspected, it was still not as painful as the unfired FP bullet Re-L had carried with her (back when I still believed she would use it, anyway). But it hurt all the same. However, as I soon discovered, I was different from the other proxies. Stronger. Instead of dying instantly from the bullet, as other Proxies would have done, I survived long enough to remove the afflicted limb. I was resistant to FP radiation. This was why Proxy One had gone to so much trouble to create and prepare me for the fight against the original humans, rather than simply do it all himself. FP bullets could still kill me, and the rays of the sun were still harmful, but I was the only Proxy that could potentially survive under a blue sky.

I was still unsure of whether I wanted to go through with my destiny or not, and that was why I traversed those steps to the place where I knew Proxy One would be. Was all of this really necessary? Was the return of the original humans a terrible thing? It was what we were created to facilitate, was it not? It was our "raison d'etre".

Yet once again, I was a fool. The original humans had no need of us once the world was healed. By the same token, the incomplete humans we had created were of no use to them. Both would be destroyed to make way for their return.

This was the deciding factor. If I had to die so that Re-L could live, then that was fine. That was what I had always thought. But the truth of the matter was, I had to survive if she was to. Without the proxies, humanity cannot survive. If someone did not stop the creators, the proxies would die. And with them, the incomplete humans would follow. I could not let that happen. I _would not_ let that happen. Re-L was everything to me. She was my raison d'etre. I would do anything for her. Even fight the creators themselves.

And so here I am, standing on the deck of the Rabbit, along with Pino, Kristeva, and her. She seems to be smiling at me. It's very subtle, and it could easily be interpreted as her satisfaction at having learned the truth, but I know better. Even after she had learned all she wanted to, even after she no longer had any use for me, she made me promise to return to her. She didn't say "I love you", but she didn't have to. It was close enough. We each know how the other feels. It's only a matter of time now. Time and Fate. And Fate owes me big time.

I smile back at her, and her smile grows ever so slightly.

Who am I? I am Vincent Law. The Ergo Proxy. The Emissary of Death. The Revolutionary Soldier. The One who will Punish the Creators. But most of all, I am the man who loves Re-L Mayer.


End file.
